9 de dez de 2008

What still unwritten...

No one is going to kill me because I´m writing this, even thought it would be more interesting if it has, you know, something to challenge me, test me. Behind all the intentions and all my "writter" stuff I confess I dislike writting. Not only because I think I have nothing interesting to share with people, but mainly for me considering myself as the most empty mind ever.

Ok, let´s say different. Don´t want to be this hard with myself. I guess, it has been missing some motivation in my life at all, some new... reasons or maybe experiences I´ve been protecting myself against.

It feels like I´m going to end anytime, without even finishing the things I intend to. I have this for so long and... besides all the wonderful things that happened to me, it still haunts me... this "I´m useless" feeling.

Not that I´m considering to end the pain myself. Actually there´s no pain. Not anymore. I just have some new goals that are actually so far... Really want them done, really do. The main problem about me is that I just can´t spit out my thoughts completely. I´m always behind some kind of mask which, in my mind, is to protect people against me. In fact, I protect myself against people.

Don´t know if it´s safe telling all this for "the nothing". Don´t really think someone is going to care about it. Just wanted a chance to try to... yes, share, my ideas. The problem with this cursed circle is that most people spend their time in me with the only aim of remind me I am all of this I believe I am, understand? Probably not and I´m not asking you to.

To be honest, I think there´s not place for me and this make me scared. I don´t feel any comfort, any confidence about me, doesn´t matter when or where. Happened few times that I kinda felt nice and safe, but inside me there was always something telling me to "don´t move". I want to, really want. Just don´t know how to chance my stupid behavior. But I repeat: I don´t think you care, do you? You have your own prolems to deal with, you have your own little hell inside your every wrong decision.

I don´t regret the things I have, had and, perhaps, will have too. I just think I got something to share now... and yes, I´m the wrong person to do this; still think I am. And maybe one day, this bad feeling traped inside my mind can show its wings out.

...you can´t erase.

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